The phenomenon.
I just watched an American tv-serie where there was an argument between two parents of the grade of kids attention from the parents well being. Prioritizing your kids and not minding care of the relationship between the parents. I see this phenomenon from time to time. Both in real but also on tv.
It makes me… angry?
I really want to make a point here.
How the kids are even thought of.
Before becoming parents you cared for each other. Giving each other time and attention.
Then the first kid arrives and suddenly all attention is on the kid. To many people it seems ”pretty damn normal”.
Not putting the kids first would be impossible. The kid is number one. Period.
But, is it really? Lets think…
Questioning the unquestionable
Yeah, sure I get the bottom line. Of course you should care for your newborn family member. That’s not my point here.
But. What happens if you as parents starts to glide away from each other? The time for each other just disappears. Perhaps one of the parents has totally lost the interest in the other parent. It gets grudgy and the relationship gets torn. It eventually leeds to separation.
Suddenly you stand there with your self and having the kid ever other week, and the kid just has one parent at the time. Is that optimal?
Perhaps in some cases. But in general?
Making clearness for the offended ones.
I am pro duality. Being two, together in a relationship.
And since we live in an era of the extremly easy offended minorities I guess I better make myself very clear:
Foremost I speak to, for me naturally, a man and a woman perspective. Yes, there are other modern constellations but man and woman is my story here. It’s up to you to read it or not.. Thanks.
So with that said…
So who am I to speak?
I am a parent of two. Male. Married for about 15 years with a woman I feel solid with. I consider us ”in real life” equal. We help each other out in the best way we can. Sometimes one takes more than the other and vice versa. Sometimes we argue but nothing serious.
And yes, me and my wife has had our share of difficulties. Kids with different extra needs and so called diagnoses. We know our share about parenting. It is not always easy. And we’re certainly not experts.
Questioning the kids first argument.
I as a parent see a hugh problem with the argument of ”the kids first”. Not meaning putting them in a drawer and forget about their existens, which would be a very childish and naiv comment.
I mean, you as two persons are the parents; the children’s carers.
You as parents is supposed to take care of your kids. Your own offspring. Your own flesh and blood.
There are no arguments. Unless you’re unabled in some way but that’s an other story.
So my focus is parents first! Because you as parents are the kids guarantee for caring, raising and support.
Parenthood in it’s whole.
Changing focus and find balance
The focus should be on having the parents in trim an shape and mood enough for being able to care for the kids.
Saying putting the kids first is to me a truth with severe modification needs. Because if the parents are not well, the kids wont be either.
It’s like skipping the most basic step.
Like expecting your car running error free but never doing the service on it.
As much as a car needs maintenance, the relationship is needing it just as well.
There has to be a balance where you nurture both kids and the relationship between you as parents.
That’s the big challenge. Finding the balance where everybody involved feels satisfied. Nobody left behind.
Hope you get my point?
The single parent view.
And yes of course, there are many arguments from single parents that it’s better for both parts being separated. And yes, you could argue, like forever, about this. I do admit there are cases where it’s best to be separated as parents.
But that’s not my point here.
Still I believe in duality as the preferable.
I’m pro duality and I believe there are too many relationships being wrecked because of a made up idea that it’s just supposed to be like this, the kids first and never minding the factor that’s actually going to be the base for it.
The parents!
Mind the parents as a team, not separately. Especially if the will from them selves are there.
Do all separated parents want to be separated? Don’t think so. Some sure do. And let them.
Unfortunately I think too many are just following along because they don’t know anything else. Or perhaps they’re afraid to oppose themselves against their surroundings. Perhaps having a dominant inlaw, or whatever.
My point is;
Put the pre-made idea of the kids first aside a little, and focus more on having the parents in a good mood and shape. And as a team with the kids. Preferably living all together. Because the parents are the guarantee for the rule of ”the kids first”.
I also see a great value in the parents showing the kids what it means to be a couple caring for each other. You as a parent is a role model for a healthy relationship as well.
Separation should not be the role model. But the exception when there are no other choice.
And if a separation is a non negotiable fact, also then the parents as single should go by the same rule; The well being of the parent is still the guarantee of the safety of the kids.
The guardian first!
I salute duality and the united family as far as it can be done, in traditional values and in wellness of all involved. That’s the point.
That means taking care of the family as a whole. As a unit. If the parents aren’t well, the kids will not be either.
Your thoughts?
Feel free to comment my text and give me your ideas and feedback on this topic. How do you feel about this? Can you relate, or does it make you sick?
But do comment in a fair way without unnecessary crappy stuff. Thanks!
Thanks for reading!
Thomas,
”Philosopher, thinker, brooder”